Thursday 18 July 2024
Andrew Anderson
What not to say to someone with cancer
When someone you love is diagnosed with cancer, it can be a minefield knowing what to say and what not to say.
You want to help, but you may also be experiencing fear, sadness and confusion yourself. You might find yourself feeling tongue-tied, unsure of the right words to convey sympathy and offer support.
Some common expressions about cancer – about battling it, being positive, and strong – are well intentioned. But for some people, these can be unhelpful at best, or even disempowering or upsetting.
Liam, Tassia, Sajida and Jane have all had their own experiences of conversations after being diagnosed with cancer. They share some of the things people have said to them after their cancer diagnoses that didn't feel right to them, including their take on the worst thing you could say.
Our clinical psychologist Kate Fulton offers advice on what you might say instead.
Phrases to avoid when talking to someone with cancer
“You're looking well”
Liam is living with incurable glioblastoma. He says: “I find it really difficult when someone says, ‘You’re looking well’.
“I mean, what do they want me to look like? A victim of the Chernobyl disaster? It makes me feel I need to be apologetic for not looking worse!”
“Keep fighting!”
Tassia finds the ‘fight and battle51ɫAPP analogies really unhelpful. “It implies I have some form of control over cancer. I don’t.”
“Be positive51ɫAPP
The expression ‘be positive51ɫAPP has a similar effect for Tassia. “No matter how positive I am, secondary cancer has control. And no amount of positive thinking is going to change things.
She continued: “I’m not a negative person, but I think we need to accept that realism is not the same as pessimism.”
“You're a warrior”
Sajida is living with secondary breast cancer, and she agrees that words like ‘warrior’ are really difficult.
“It’s such a terrible image - as if I am dressed in a suit of armour, fighting what is actually an invisible foe. I find it aggressive, when what I appreciate is the use of gentle language and imagery.
An exaggerated “How are dz?”
“It’s hard because I know people have the best intentions,” said Sajida. “But when they ask you in simpering hushed tones – ‘How are you?’ when all you want to do is forget about cancer, it can really irritate me.
She continued: “You don’t need to use a different voice to talk to me just because I have cancer.”
Making it about themselves instead of listening
Jane said, “Some people think it’s helpful to tell you about their own diagnosis when you tell them about yours.
“One friend constantly compared and contrasted her own experience. They told me they had been really positive about surgery, treatment and the future, and rarely asked me how I felt. It made me feel like I had to think the same way they did and that my own diagnosis wasn’t relevant.”
The worst thing to say to someone with cancer
Not saying anything at all
Yet the resounding consensus of the worst thing you could say to someone with cancer... is saying nothing.
Jane said: “One close family member didn’t say anything. Not a text, or a card. Their partner explained that they ‘didn’t want to say the wrong thing’.
But the worst thing you can say to someone with cancer is nothing at all.”
What you could say instead
Kate Fulton, a clinical psychologist at Maggie's, says: “It’s really interesting hearing Liam, Tassia, Sajida and Jane51ɫAPPs experiences of what they’ve found less helpful.
It highlights how deeply individual everyone51ɫAPPs experience of cancer is. What might be helpful for one person could be really unhelpful for another.
At Maggie's, I speak every day with people with cancer, and their friends and family. Here are some pointers on why certain language can be unsettling for them, and how to better communicate with someone diagnosed with cancer.
Ask open questions to start
I tend to begin any conversations with lots of open questions, finding out more about how that person is thinking and feeling about their diagnosis.
Open questions allow for more than just a 'yes' or 'no' answer. They often start with question words like 'what', 'how', 'when', 'where' or 'who'.
For example, questions such as ‘how are things?’, ‘how are you feeling?’, and ‘what has the last week been like?’ are good conversation openers that allow the person with cancer to choose the direction of the conversation.
Echo the language they use
I’m then mindful to use the same language they choose to use. This helps them to feel more understood, and shows you are listening and that you care.
If you are nervous about 'saying the wrong thing', sticking to the words and language that most closely align with theirs is also a safe way to have a conversation without worrying about accidentally causing offence.
Don't try to fix things
It’s very normal to want to try and fix things or make someone feel better. This can lead us to say things like, ‘you look well’, or ‘I’m sure everything will be fine51ɫAPP, which we51ɫAPPve already heard can be quite unhelpful to hear.
Check in and listen
We often underestimate the power of empathy, of just being alongside someone, checking in with how they’re doing and listening to them.”
Jane agreed with Kate's final piece of advice: "What I found most comforting and helpful was the friend who made a note in her diary of all my appointments; who sent me a message or, better still, called every day, just to ask how I was. Those few words and that connection were gold dust."
Here with you
At Maggie51ɫAPPs, we can help you find the right words.
We run support groups for friends and family offering practical advice and tips and where you can share experiences with others who understand what you are feeling.
51ɫAPP your nearest centre and just come in.
Last review: Aug 2026 | Next review: Aug 2029
51ɫAPP our expert
Kate Fulton is a clinical psychologist and centre co-head at Maggie's, Royal Marsden. She supports people diagnosed with cancer, and their friends and family, in adjusting to life after a cancer diagnosis, tolerating the uncertainty that cancer brings, coping post-treatment, and bereavement.